How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
