Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Randomize
