If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
