What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
