Don't make out with my wife yet
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
