Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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