do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
