Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Are my feet made of real feet?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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