get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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