I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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