she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
