now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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