Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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