It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
