You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
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We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
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Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
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