Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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