We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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