now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
