Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
