I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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