why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
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oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
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Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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