Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
