Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
