I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
