I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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