my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
