If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
