3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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