Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
