Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
