Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we made out on top of his cat.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
