I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
