he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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