her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
