if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
