You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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