In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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