11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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