Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
