There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
