Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
