i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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