Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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