Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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