My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
