Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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