I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
