It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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