There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
