whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
