u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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