the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
