dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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